10 song album // LEAK // unfinished // not mixed, not mastered
This is not my current band- medioc0re.
This is my old band- EARTHSLEEP
sharing for those who requested these tracks when I posted clips from our live shows.
CASANOVA///by earthsleep leak
After math
This panic is a vessel
I am in it
Oh, I live it
The answer doesn’t vary
So final
So finite
So so scary
Wet water so weary
After birth
Try stand
Can’t yet
No. not. now.
New
I never want to learn
I always want to know
Yeah empty isn’t ugly, no
Look at nothing
How pretty
How empty
How powerful
Empty is everything
Empty opportunity
You fell down.
You’re so lucky to be on the ground
Visceral
Simple
Crowded as convoluted
Only to see
Mortality!
Let’s knock ourselves out
Party somehow
We can wake up like children
We can lick the dirt from our paws
On the way to the waters of the river of wonder
And we can go in
And we can go under
And we can go in
And. we. can. go. under.
TAME/// by earthsleep leak
Walking alone- plain air
Brave - be uncertain
Seasick- dry shoes on concrete
Distill
All inside that’s real
Let the
Vapors rise into my eyes
CrAwLLLLLL,,
I CAN’T SEE WHERE ARE THEY TAKING ME?
Swimming tense- city streets
Flat sink- sink up dead weight
Stupid cues- underwater too
Refill
All they tried to steal
Fight the
Sand they threw into my eyes
FLoAAaaTT,,,,
I CAN’T SEE WHERE ARE THEY TAKING ME?
Flying. Lively. Lonely. Happy.
A fluke- EVAPORATION!
The clarity in clutter,
My heart’s distant flutter,
I passionately mutter,
Shake empty scripted shudder,
Ingest
Beauty as boldness
Kill the
Way they taught me to be tame
FaAAAaaaAaLLL,
I CAN’T SEE WHERE ARE THEY TAKING ME?
DOUBLETHINK /// earthsleep leak
GUITAR // JONATHAN BOUKNIGHT
VOCALS// GIRLWOLF
DRUMS // LAMAR LITTLE
BASS // MARIO DILEVA
I saw the city lights
I saw the city windows
And I was thrilled
And I was terrified
Separating dreams from day!
The night will take you over.
Sleep. is. never. over.
Dripping in black!
Invisible
Nothing to reflect!
Swallowing divulge
Unity is interesting when
No one stands
Alone
Light!
I felt it wrap around me
I saw it hold you too
And we had different lines, colors, and shapes
And we were awake!
We were awake.
Dust
Kicked up
Heart?
So rough
Hot
And happy
Light
And heavy
Take me far
Keep me close
I haven’t gone
Where I’ll go
I’m here
But only now and never again in this moment
Break the time
Shake the tame
No two things they aren’t the same
Lucid we walk
An obscure sad game
I know you!
So what’s your name?!
Yellow. No.
Blue. Green. Don’t.
Paint the earth.
That you know.
Hurt this
Help this
Blood fist
HEART
Bite whole
The vital
We can't be apart
Licking!
Spitting!
Dark and light!
Colors taste like like why
WHY, why?!
Textures on fingers as sight
I can’t tell why I fight day and night
I feel the difference
Alright.
Swim. Walk. Flight.
Slober covers the covers
Of the brat in the cupboard
Who knows all about the drool in the drawer.
Dripping in black!
Invisible
Nothing to reflect!
Swallowing divulge
Unity is interesting when
No one stands
Alone
SLASHES////// unreleased video by EARTHSLEEP
As you know, my band EARTHSLEEP dissipated.
The work was never finished.
So, i’ve taken it upon myself to dump out all the unfinished work as a result of spending 5 years on it, more money than I had, every ounce of love and energy and tears.
Here is SLASHES
LINK
https://vimeo.com/273260382
PASSWORD
thenightwontletmego
The song is live on all platforms
For an explanation of the lyrics see the premiere on teal cheese blog
http://tealcheese.com/2018/01/26/earthsleep-slashes-lyrics/
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
DIRECTOR/ DP- JOE RUBINSTEIN
1st AC- EMMA CLARK
DRUMS- LAMAR LITTLE
GUITAR- JONATHAN BOUKNIGHT
EDITOR- JONATHAN BOUKNIGHT
BASS- MARIO DILEVA
MUA- VICTORIA WILSON AND ALLIE AMOSCATO
ASSIST- JEANENE BEAUREGARD AND ANDREW STEP
BTS- ELISABETH OROURKE AND NICK MAJOR
COVID 19 PANDEMIC //
The images here I shot on April 10 2020. Quarantine was in place. Mostly shot Downtown Los Angeles.
Some images from Hollywood.
STALL music video // explained
STALL // by Mediocore
STALL CREDITS: BASS// Lukas West VOX and GUITAR // girlwolf DRUMS // JOEY D'ALFONSO PRODUCED BY DAVE SWANSON OF LOVE JUICE LABS
When you listen to the song it’s an adventure really. Making it wasn’t really like hearing it. Actually maybe it was. I don’t know I thought the structure should be somewhat impossible and awkward given the content matter. It’s about the rugged road of getting someone to open up to you. The push and pull and the mistrust and persuasion involved in getting to know someone closely.
I know it irritated Lukas when I first tried to get us to play this song because it’s one of the first ones I worked on with him. So here we are getting to know each other musically and I’m basically like “heeeeeyyy let’s play this song of a bunch of shit I strung together with time signature and tempo changes that I know are there but am not educated enough to explain”. Its funny because when I first played instruments with him I was so fucking nervous. I was sweaty. I hadn’t played guitars with anyone but myself. I was shy. It took him a lot of patience to have me come around to even playing with someone else. And he’s talented and been in a ton of bands and can do anything on the spot and I’m inexperienced and rigid when it comes to guitar. I was surprised he would even play with me.
But I can get very adamant about stuff I write and I WANTED THIS FUCKING SONG. There were actually a lot of tears shed and doubt surrounding this song, suitably so for me, considering the topic. I find closeness treacherous and threatening. It’s easy to doubt, scary but invigorating, twisting, changing all the time. Like this fucked up structure. Especially when you’re two talented musicians listening to some crazy girl on this one who has never even recorded any guitar before. Lukas and Joey made it groovy somehow. They always do. Still none of us prefer to play it live. Haha, so I guess it is annoying. I admit.
We tracked it with Dave Swanson in Riverside, CA, his studio is called Love Juice Labs.
He heard the song and got it immediately. He laid the whole damn thing out when tracking and told me what the hell I was actually doing and when I changed tempos and signatures, so that was fun. He got it so fast it’s funny. He just heard me play it once when Joey was tracking drums and then he knew exactly as it should be, more so than I myself did. I had the gut of it but he brought it to science. That was cool.
I guess it’s like a love song. It is. Normally I hate those. I’m even kind of embarrassed of this one because I know the very situation it’s inspired by. My life. As everything I say is. Someone asked me why my art was so egotistical/ about me. I asked them what the fuck am I supposed to write about? I am me. I don’t know anything else. Hell, I’m lucky if I even know me. My best English teacher always said “write about what you know.” This love song can be applied differently when I look at it. It’s about loving anyone or anything. Like a flickering flame, the balance of things, push and pull. Soooo naturally in the video I tried to make it a little bit about my relationship with my dog Polar :) Because human love is mUsHy. Dogs are cuter.
Habitually underestimated.
Now they are everything you hated.
You don’t respect those who leave you jaded.
Their boring lives are overrated.
Scars make stars.
We know who we are.
The whole ep SCARS MAKE STARS and then SCARS MAKE STARS II were titled from this line of STALL. I chose that title because the whole thing is about the human ability to overcome adversity. It fit so much of my and a lot of things I know my band members have been through, and not just us, everyone. Humans. The human condition is weird. We are pretty resilient.
Anyway, the video. The video came about because of a major block. I’ve spent a lot of years on the side lines either helping out much bigger crews of people shoot videos. I’ve done anything from model, PA, Direct, shoot, edit video for various artists/ commercial purposes. For a long time really. I know what a great cinema camera is. That’s not my 5D mk III. I think it’s OKAY. It’s OK but it’s not great. I didn’t want to shoot my videos on that camera because I had the opportunity to work with what I consider real DPs and I don’t consider myself one of them. I can’t use a RED or an ALEXA and I value their output. I was hung up collecting money trying to fund something bigger. It just hasn’t been really practical. It just means so much to me to have started this band after being kicked out of my other, building this from the ground up. It matters so much to me to have gotten this far, and I want it to be rad, so it’s just personal pressure because of the weight of what it is to me.
Finally, after years of waiting on people for various things, to make music and make fucking videos, I just was like,,,, what the hell am I doing? I always do everything myself. It just ends up that way. I’ve directed and shot other people’s videos that I am proud of. Why am I refusing to do mine?
So, I chose, the unlikely STALL. And the guys are like “wait why are we doing stall”. And I’m like ‘gotta get my feet wet low expectations’. Lol. It’s true. I didn’t really imagine a video for this song before. We had elaborate ideas for other songs. I just wanted to start. Do something. Anything. I don’t feel like I was telling the guys how paralyzed with fear I was to start our videos. I thought about it every day all the time. I life a life full of dread really. It fluctuates from playfulness and dread.
So, casually while on another shoot with my friend Jay Kantor [ kungfubreakfast] we generally explore places and shoot stills, but he often shoots a small 60 second video. We shot a few takes of STALL at Redondo Beach and that was the beginning of shooting the footage. I incorporated some other footage from our other shoots. All these shots were extremely fast. I’m not used to shooting a music video this way, I usually over shoot. So the whole thing spiraled into a scavenger hunt for me and I began shooting the rest of the footage. Jay has the exact camera I do. So that worked well in matching. I also incorporated vhs footage I’ve shot, as well as some show footage at the end [thanks Chaos Reaper].
When I began to edit, to me the visual began to take meaning. At least I scraped whatever meaning I found out of it. I sifted hard. I felt like I didn’t have anything to make this video from. I was underwhelmed. I was sad even. I was like waiting for the moments all my life I can make music videos and I had to just start? With this? How the fuck am I gonna do that?
And then I proceeded to carve away something that meant something to me. I can actually say I’m proud. And that’s the point. That’s the point of the band name. The point of the EP. The point of SCARS MAKE STARS. The point of my life. It’s just to be resourceful. To make something out of what you have.
So, I shot all the band performance footage in separate rooms at separate times. I kinda wanted to highlight the isolation that exists in the meaning of this song. How separate we are really but trying to connect. So you never see the band together in this video except the end. And I don’t know. The lightbulb I’m playing with it’s like the bubbles. I think of it as the invisible barrier we all have. Our defense. Our shield. Protection. Sometimes being human is so lonely. It really is. It feels detached. But we can break that. We can. And it’s rocky or awkward. But it’s quite beautiful and interesting and vital. And that’s what all the fun in this video is about. All that matters is we try to connect, to reach out, to take the first steps. I am happy to take this step.
Thank you, if you’re listening.
over n out.
girlwolf
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
chemiKILL music video ///
Alright here goes, I feel like I should be posting this covered in dirt and blood and sweat. But I’m not. I’m here feeling alive, rejuvenated, and clean. Dripping in vitality. Two years ago I had what I thought was most likely the best day of my life so far because finally a lifelong dream had been set into action. I was filming a music video, not for someone else, for me! For my music!
Since I was in diapers I was singing into a toy microphone watching cartoons learning how to match pitch. I found my third grade homework and it said, “my favorite thing to do is write poetry.” I’d read the dictionary for fun in the summer time, writing down definitions of words I liked. I used to dance and sing and torture my siblings with my performances all my life. I’d make VHS videos with the family camcorder. I’d try to orchestrate these productions. I was always a pain to my 3 younger siblings, mostly the sister directly younger than me. She endured the most but they all got it. I was always hell bent on making something no one ever made since I can remember. To an extent I can honestly feel remorse about. I was never into lighthearted play. Or I would be in a moment, and then I’d desire to take it to another level. If it snowed I’d attempt to enlist my family into creating the BIGGEST SNOWMAN EVER. I’d turn play into work. I had visions and I’d do anything to get to them, at the expense of my siblings. Us playing in mud in the backyard would turn into me attempting to have them build an “adobe home.” That’s just the way I always was. I wanted to create, elaborately. I think this ignited in me very young. And the more tragedy I experienced, the more it became a need.
My mother was violent. My escape was school. I loved school although I was essentially mute until around 5th grade. I don’t know what happened but I think after my appendix burst and I almost died at 10 years old, I changed. And I was loud. Before that I was always being sent to the school psychiatrist where they would put me in a room and look through a mirror window, observing me. They tried to make me play with other kids that way but I’d stay quiet. I wanted to just shut up and learn.
School was safe. I may have seemed inactive but I was diligent and silent. There was a world in my head. And it was safe and it was beautiful. I think that’s why I’m so obsessed with school uniforms and school chairs and desks. When I see them I just feel free to learn and grow. To this day. I keep an elementary school chair in my house. When I had the surgery to remove my tumor Lukas had to help me into the shower and he put the chair in there so I could sit and shower. It stayed in their for weeks, aiding in my healing.
When I joined earthsleep I purchased an SM58. I held it in my hand feeling the weight of a REAL microphone, finally, and looked down at it as I recalled all the times I’d sing into shoes and hairbrushes pretending I had a real microphone. That was the first time I owned a microphone in my life, besides the toy mic I had when I was 5 that I only know existed because of a photo. Earthsleep provided a place for my volumes of poetry I had always been writing since I learned how, to be made into a sound. The silence was broken. I could not get enough. The quiet words turned to melodies and screams! After feeling that, I could never turn back.
I’m thankful for those moments in that band. It was a learning experience. I loved the songs intensely. I just outgrew it. I wanted to keep moving. The songs were my children and I needed to release them. I could not stagnate. It was an intense need to carry on. I had become stagnant and frozen in that band waiting for others. I think it’s that moment when the student outgrows the teacher. In the beginning Jonathan would guide me as I had never been in a band before and he was fully committed. By the end I was dragging him around like dead weight. Every step was a fight and battle. It was clear he was facing his own resistance. He was in his own way and would not advance. I tried all different tactics I could to rip him from the throes of denial and distraction, but I could not.
I am not pleasant. I’m not claiming such. I have Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, ADHD, and OCD, but these afflictions make it mandatory that I create constantly and truthfully. It is my lifeline. It connects me to humanity and existence. Without it I am estranged. If you take from my art or try to stop it in any way, you’re not going to like the outcome. It’s one thing to delay your projects. It’s another to allow someone completely broke to pour in thousands and thousands of the only dollars they have, years of their life, operate of false promise of an outcome and never deliver. You descend from a teammate into an enemy. That happened here. Especially in the sense where two band members are funding a band 50/50 and one calls all the shots. The other band members were shocked in the end to find I was funding it half way since only one of us had the final say in everything. Why assume such authority over me? Everyone knows I question authority [as one should]. And as soon as the demands become a foolish path, you will find me as defiant as they come. I will follow a wise leader. Not a fool. I’ve wasted enough time since birth enduring incredible leadership. Now it’s time to seize everything I ever wanted with all I’ve got. I can feel it. I was treated like a child. And maybe I keep that type of spirit and wonder but it doesn’t mean I am rendered incapable. It is my strength.
I just don’t have time for someone to overcomplicate a process. I don’t have time for “perfection” as I am aware it doesn’t exist! I cannot take a year for post-production on a music video or 4 years for a 10 song album. It may seem like a fun side project for others but not for me. This is my whole heart. People have kids and jobs and agendas. Not me. I’m not going to be able to have that. This is what I have. This is ALL I have.
Yes it was TWO years ago this month that we filmed our SLASHES music video. I felt so infinitely grateful. But that dream was ripped away from me. The story of my life. It’s always so close within reach, but never obtained. I don’t know if I’m born to endure suffering in order to gain perspective, but I’ll take it. Because I finally like myself. Hell, I love myself; I am an alright guy. I come from a long line of drug addicts, liars and losers. Maybe I’m not a model citizen, but I’m also still alive and unaddicted. I try my best to empower the average, the underbelly, the disabled, the elite through the common thread of truth. I relate to everyone. The millionaires and the homeless. I see myself in all of you. And you in me. So when I am angry, it is because I am sad and I am disappointed in all of the self-abuse humanity clings to. I have a process of turning sadness into anger, anger into fuel. I’ve had to develop this way. So forgive me if I’m disagreeable. Or don’t and fuck off. Someone’s got to do it. We all smile into each other’s faces eating euphemisms for breakfast anyway. And I’m sick of it. Lying makes me ill I swear to god. I try it. But I have to systematically purge everything in my lifestyle and everyone that is less than honest.
Okay, okay, NOW TWO YEARS LATER, my video is finally released. But it’s a different video! With a different band! I had to build a new band from the ground up, completely new material, unlike my traitor ass old band who is still swimming in our old backwash piecing apart our old songs and desecrating them. Yeah, it’s cool that my vocals are being deleted off and album that I PAID FOR AND DEVELOPED FOR YEARS OF MY LIFE NO BIG DEAL.
Mediocore tracked SCARS MAKE STARS with Dave Swanson of Love Juice Labs. After 5 years of bouncing from engineer to engineer, I went back to the engineer we discovered early on in my earthsleep days. He tracked our “Sabbath, Bloody Sabbath” cover. It sounded better than ANYTHING else earthsleep has ever recorded by a long shot, a really long shot. Dave made the process easier, more cost effective, and fuck it sounded CLEAN!!!! He’s absolutely brilliant. I could not explain my at times complex sense of rhythm/structure to anyone and he pulled my exact vision out of a muddy representation. I wish I had been working with him all these years. But people in my wake loved to overcomplicate, over pay, to fiddle, to not finish. I’m not even here to crucify my old band for the mutiny they formed against me. But I would like what I deserve, the album and video I paid for OR money back, as well as my stolen social media account. I can’t get the time back. Maybe I’m mad at myself for my hardheaded loyalty when I should have bailed so much earlier. Maybe I’m mad I bet on a hack. That’s my own fault. I get stuck on people. I give them all my belief and love. It makes me feel like an asshole. I kept quiet out of loyalty. I allowed myself to be dominated. Not anymore. I’ll take credit for my fuckups. There are plenty of them.
I left a relationship in which I lived with and dated my guitarist who would not let me touch his tube amp or play guitar if he was at home. So during his 9-5 I’d take his SG he hated and I’d play for hours. When we broke up and he moved out I totally copied him and purchased a Marshall DSL 100H [the same amp he would not let me touch] which I fell madly in love with [some love does last]. As he moved out he furiously looked at my new amp and said, “you don’t need that much power”. Here’s the thing: I do. And I’ve been having grown men attempt to oppress my power since birth. If you try to muffle my sound, I will resurface louder than you. My whole life is a story of being burned. Being trampled on and crawling out of it still attempting to fight the good fight.
When I was re learning to walk after major surgery to remove the bone tumor that I had gnawing at me, I demanded that the video we had shot a year prior be finished. It wasn’t. He had promised that it would be by the time I was able to re-learn to walk and play music again. A lot of people worked on that video for cheap or free and all they wanted was to see the outcome! I’ve spent 15 years making art for free, for the love of it, so anytime anyone helps me out in that way it is nothing but respect. It was out of my hands but I felt like a thief without following through! That’s when the band kicked me out. I was talking shit about the lack of progress. They locked me out of the social media accounts I solely created and spent years building. That’s when they reformed essentially the same band without me with another name and singer, and songs and a few alterations to structure. Lukas and I call it “worsesleep”.
SO, naturally. I became my own guitarist. I built an entirely new band. I recorded MEDIOCORE. And I got my fucking video. It only took me two years.
I now have the best fucking band. After trying out a few slacker drummers, we met Joey. Who is a rare breed of inquisitive, thought provoking and ,,,, reliable !? Unheard of for musicians in LA I know. He gave us just the type of creative beats we could ask for on this record. He’s been putting up with mine and Lukas whiny asses like a champ. The intro on Tepid was one of the aspects on SCARS MAKE STARS that people keep complimenting and that was all Joey’s last minute idea that brought that song to life. Can’t wait to implement more of his influence. He also likes really creepy youtube videos Lukas and I really dig.
I now have Lukas West as my partner in crime whose goals are aligned with mine. He guides me along, always striving to reshape his own self to become the best version of himself he can, therefore inspiring me daily. He nursed me back to health while the others abandoned me. No one in my family came to help me during the fight of my life, my surgery. Now Lukas is my family. He believed in me long before we became a team. Our paralleled rough upbringing leaves him to be the most likely person to ever understand my mentality. And I’ve never felt so little loneliness. I suffer from severe abandonment issues and I only ever wanted a family of my own that I could TRUST. I’m not talking about a soccer mom life. I’m talking about a weirdo who gets me. Lukas does. And I get him. And that could not have happened without our mutual hardship. My sister always told me my greatest strength is resourcefulness. It’s his as well. Just when I thought I could not have something like that, I do. And every single day I’m appreciative. He makes me laugh. He is filled with wonder and concern for humanity as a whole. To me the most attractive quality in a human being is the ability to overcome adversity. That’s Lukas. And maybe we feel like two peter pan lifestyle outliers of society with Bachelor’s degrees and never normal jobs, but we are here to call bullshit on our predisposed perception of success and bring light to human value beyond clocking in and out on time.
I tried to have relationships with those who had loving parents still together, money, things like that. But they could not understand my undying love for my family beyond the ways they have scorned me. I guess that would be hard to understand. How someone could do such ugly things but still mean so much to you. I found their struggles trivial. They found mine chaotic, excessive and dramatic. Those without severe trauma do not understand the infinite rehashing. The dissecting. The ways it returns in waves and nightmares. They want to fix you. They want you better when you’re the best you will be. They treat you as crippled. They are not able to understand that you will carry it everywhere you go for the rest of your life. I don’t blame them but I try to educate them. It proves difficult.
The ugly is me. The enemy birthed me. Built my foundation, my character, for better or for worse. I will not deny its existence. I will not cover my scars. I don’t understand all the hiding. Lukas is important because he is aware of the process of energy conversion I’ve been forced to utilize as he lives the same. When someone is that young and sees things no child should ever, there is chemical alteration in the brain that occurs, certain developments are warped or delayed. You don’t simply “heal” or “move on” this will be your chemical makeup from that day forward. The fight or flight response is triggered in a child only so many times before it cannot be turned off. You grow up struggling with ordinary tasks. This is why I believe in psychiatric treatment, but that’s another long fucking novel I need to type out. So here’s to the kids with the ugly clothes and bruises and free school lunches because they are poor. Here’s to the kids who have no one to teach them right from wrong, but learn it anyway. If I could tell them anything, it’s that you have everything you need within yourself.
Wow, finally I’ll talk about chemiKILL. Thassss right, I’m a wordy ass bitch.
The video and the track surround my commentary of a corrupt medical system in the United States. This was both inspired by external observation looking outward on the lives of others, having spent many days in county hospitals observing the plight of the middle class, poverty stricken and/or ill, as well as my own encounters with long term physical and mental illness. After a 7 year battle with Medi-Cal, I finally broke through the convoluted barriers of healthcare and had a bone tumor removed from my femur that was located in my hip area pressing along major nerves that had troubled me for half of my lifetime.
I can’t even explain what it’s like to be that in need and have no one help you. I’ll never ever be the same. All of the calls, all of the rejection, people questioning your pain when the writing is in the MRI. I can’t explain the darkness. The hopelessness. The paranoia. The mistrust. I just can’t even explain it. It still comes to me. I full blown feel it. Other times it seems like a sick nightmare. Like there is no way that could have really happened. When they agreed to do the surgery, I fell apart with graciousness. I was begging to be cut open for years. And it’s still not perfect by any means but my pain is reduced by probably 80 percent. It still gets really bad at times. I just can’t explain how bad it was. Now I will spend the rest of my life preoccupied with the lack of value such a rich country places on human life. I’ve seen people die in ER waiting rooms. I’ve seen things I can’t unsee. Ultimately, this country could be worse. I am thankful for the treatment I have received with the aid of our government but I dare to believe it has more than enough resources to do better by it’s people, and as a result we will have a better society. I know it. I know because I know how I respond when an abused underdog like me is given a chance. There is a lot of good in people, but when we throw them to the streets we foster something else in them. Education and healthcare is not to be overpriced. When it is, we all pay. It’s not impossible to improve it.
chemiKILL lyrics//
dependin on the chemicals
my mess is biological
my excuse it is medical
don't look at me!
why can't I
take my time?
I'm not fine
I'm not blind
thinkin like a criminal
systems make me cynical
my failure is an animal
outgrowing me!
why can't I
save my life?
takin pain so comical
eat shit till my belly's full
my future is invisible
they're killing me!
why'd I die?
I made the structure of the chorus shorter and less complex each time it is played to emulate the perception of time as it alters as we age. It shortens and then the last line is played with the lyric ‘WHY’D I DIE?” and the song comes to a halt. Because that’s life.
Even better ? This video came from two artists I genuinely look up to. The video was directed, shot, edited by Cocovera a team of two musicians [Alejandra Robles Luna of Le Butcherettes and Janelle Obert of Stars at Night] who like myself do not limit their craft to music alone. Cocovera is the name of the band they have together as well as their joint efforts to create imagery unlike anything else out there. I’d had a mad art crush on these ladies forever because they seemed like some of the only real ass artists making real ass shit in the LA music scene. People here have a tendency to be extremely up their own ass egos making art because they want to be looked at but have nothing real to say. NOT COCOVERA. They are some of the only people [maybe the only] that I could have handed over the video to that extent with such trust. When creating, I know how I want things so it’s not easy for me to surrender responsibility to another artist. But with them I was down to jump. So sCaRy. So worth it.
Years ago I saw le Butcherettes open up for Antemasque. I was SO inspired by Teri’s performance I was completely blown away. I was like frick I haven’t seen a live performer like that ever. THEN Alejandra joined her on drums. When I first saw Alejandra play I think it was when they were opening for At the Drive-In, one of my all time favorite most inspirational bands of my youth NO BIG DEAL, she made the band even more incredible. She really upped the impact, the heartbeat. I didn’t think that that stellar drummer would be shooting my first music video! What! Then I saw Janelle play with Stars at Night and I was like what he HELL this is a born front woman. No one can stop her. So wow. These two musicians shot our fucking video :) Beyond honored.
The visual is following the eerie style of lighting, set design and abstract nature that Cocovera has been utilizing to direct and edit music videos such as: Le Butcherettes ft. Alice Bag- Mother/ HOLDS. The two spit these out on their downtime from touring and writing music as they seamlessly jump between several faucets of art. Their blacklight lighting technique creates both tension and contrast in the juxtaposition of darkness where neon thrives. They gravitate toward the unsettling and obscure providing the perfect birthing ground to Mediocore’s debut video in a deranged depiction of a surgical room where I am both the doctor and the patient. They killed it. Just wrecked it. I am filled with thanks.
Lastly, I want to say that this band has been so fucking supported since before anyone heard it. I have the belief on my side of a strong base of individuals that seem like thoughtful intellectuals. I see stupid music with stupid fans. That isn’t what I have. I have been forming this group of thinkers. I can’t believe how many are really out there. I also can’t believe that I was able to put my foot down and ask for monetary support, and each time you guys have delivered. You gave me the rest of the gear I needed in order to get my live setup together since I was formerly only a singer I needed a bunch of shit because I play bass and guitar now. You gave us enough money to track SCARS MAKE STARS. And then by purchasing the EP and even more donations, you funded this music video. And I love you guys. I can’t believe you have my back like this. I promise I’ll always do what I can to keep producing art that is honest. I need you. I’m emotional. I need your support to keep this going when I’m sad and tired. I have to keep making things because it helps me survive. In that way, I hope I’m helping others to thrive. We are not useless. The unconventional makes fertile soil for innovation. Party time. Excellent.
SCARS. MAKE. FUCKING. STARS.
We’ve basically written another ep already and beyond. We are now booking shows. We have already conceptualized music videos we want to make for TEPID and OH, SEEDY. If you wanna keep this shit going…. donate to us via www.medioc0re.com , purchase merch or our EP, or simply listen to it, watch it, come to a show, consume it! Share it, whatever. Just let it be a part of your world. Because you are a part of ours already. Thank you.
Here’s chemiKILL loves,
BITER // @sheisalaena has been ripping me off for years on end
I met her assisting on a shoot. She needed a ride home so the photographer asked me. She didn’t acknowledge my existence much as I was merely an assistant, yeah that kinda girl. So the car ride was pretty quiet, she stayed on her phone. I should have left it at that when I dropped her off. Months later I was wanting to shoot female musicians. I asked her to shoot because she was the keyboardist of a rad metal band called Winds of Plague. I knew about all her gross shitty stretched out tattoos and cheap style, but hey, I’m a good photographer. So she just jumped at the opportunity for free images when she saw that I was a creative photographer. I didn’t know she was bringing a “producer” with her and I thought it really strange. He came with his glowing white translucent teeth. He just stood there telling her to suck in her stomach and stuff. He began discussing her style, her clothing and her makeup with me, almost as if she wasn’t there. I thought it was kinda sick for a man to criticize blatantly like that a woman’s style, she seemed used to it. I should have never ever seen these people again I knew something was off. Why would a grown man be following her around trying to “develop” her. They kept saying that. Both of them kept referring to her as a brand as if she was already some pop star. They took it real fucking serious. So I shot her at my place.
This is what she looked like. You wouldn’t know she looked like this unless you knew her because she deleted every post off social media that existed before she met me. And when I called her out on that she deleted most of what I shot, leaving only the identity that I somehow unwillingly conjured. I could never dream this person would violate my being so intricately.
The first shoot with her, the most regrettable shoot of my life:
A picture of me coming over to an air bb to shoot her for free that her “producer” would rent for her to bang him in bc she told me he allegedly lived with a girlfriend or ex girlfriend, bear with me this gets dicey:
A picture of her today, hm, looks different. reminds me of someone:
No I’m not the only one with choppy vibrant hair in this world. So, this would really fucking slide. Unless you knew the details.
Over the course of quite a while they became full blown in constant contact with me. She would text me 24/7. I’m a lonely person. I began to believe she was my friend and I felt sorry for her. Her producer was scary and controlling. He would intentionally book studio dates if he knew the guy she had a crush on had an event or a show. He even told me several times he quit the project when I was amidst creating a music video for them that I had spent at least a month on my life on. I was paid 1 thousand dollars. I was working on it non stop. Actually, if anyone cares, this producer convinced her to quit Winds of Plague because he was controlling and jealous and a guy she liked had something to do with working with the band. He told her it was bad for her image. He was constantly expressing disgust in her style. And constantly telling her to work out and watch her weight and suck it in. He was telling her that she is about an 8 but if she changes her style and dress she can maybe be a 10. He was disgusted by her style and her friends. One of which who was heavily into plastic surgery. She would get a lot of face injections when she could barely pay rent and that really pissed her “producer” off. They made ALL of this my business as they put me RIGHT smack dab in the middle of it. Once her roommate was suicidal. It was her roommates birthday and they were going out. Her producer made it SUCH a big deal he kept calling me WHEN I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT trying to manipulate me to tell her not to go out because if they go have drinks her roommate may commit suicide. What the hell. He just did not want her going out for drinks with the girls.
After several shoots with her, the producer, Khris, kept telling me over and over I was now responsible for her image and style she was to have. Seemed pretty fucking weird. They roped me into doing soooo much work on the music video, I conceptualized every bit of it. I’d have meetings with them where I would say ideas and she would basically just sit there and shake her head yes. I sent them this whole video treatment I came up with. This treatment was incredible important to me because I had not yet directed a music video and every element of the set design, concepts, everything, I even coached her movements, chose makeup, styling influence, all of it. So I had the meeting with them over the music video and mostly all she gave to me is “I like Britney Spears. I like Marylin Manson.” Well Manson is brilliant. You can’t contrive that. So I worked really fucking hard on this treatment because I knew I was getting paid complete dogshit, way less than minimum wage, so I thought I would at least put my soul into it. Here is what I sent them. And this is fucked up because it would then dictate her entire being. I had no idea anyone would ever change themselves that much based on what I created. I honestly do not want to shoot music videos anymore. I fear it. I didn’t know the intellectual property violation that would happen to me. As you see, this was shot in 2016. It is 2019. I have said nothing publicly about her and him until now. I’m not one to call out someone that paid me to do something. But to this day she is still replicating the video ideas I came up with frame for frame. Concept for concept. It fucks me up. I don’t have a lot. I don’t have money. All I have worked for my entire life is my art and my style. Take anything from me but absolutely do not fuck with that. If you want every secret to her “brand” it’s right here in this treatment. And it’s in the music video. I thought of who she “is” basically and it creeps me the FUCK out. From handwriting, to school girl imagery, to 90s ‘grunge’ fashion because I’m a grunge musician and now she has “coined the term pop grunge”, her makeup, her hair cut, I did it all. EXCEPT her shitty fucking music hahahhahahha god it fucking sucks and it has nothing to do with grunge. She sucked a lot of that out of kris’ dick. So there’s that.
So, meanwhile we are shopping for video stuff and she is buying at a swap meet a used vacuum cleaner which I found disgusting but not as disgusting as the fact that she was talking about how she in no way had attraction to Khris. I was uncomfortable and said something along the lines of ‘well then you probably shouldn’t have slept with him.” And she said “no, I had to or else he wouldn’t have developed me as an artist this far.” And that was fucked up. That was the first time I every saw in person that trite Hollywood cliche of women fucking men to get places. I felt bad for her. I had grown to love the image she had crafted texting me all day. But I should have known that she was stroking me the way she was him. Later she would suck as much info out of him, not use him anymore. Same with me. She was just strokinnnggg out the ideas. Because she had none. All she ever knew was how to replicate. It was sad. Really sad. Interacting with them killed a part of my innocence. I didn’t care that they would just pop adderall all the time. I just didn’t know I was getting SO used. But the using didn’t stop when my contact with her stopped. It carried on for years.
Okay now we’re getting to the good part here is the music video. Conceptualized, directed, edited by me. I mean it even goes to the extent of coaching her jerky movements, to me sending her a video of me dancing on a chair. It goes super deep. Super far. I made a fucking mistake because this constantly haunts me. It would be completely fine if she stopped. But I waited years for her to stop biting me. Didn’t happen. So now I come clean.
So I got paid far below minimum wage to make this. And I got royally fucked. And then she texts me asking to borrow my camera because she wants to shoot a live video of this song. She doesn’t want to pay me and my free shoots had been trickling downward because they became all consuming at one point I felt like a full time unpaid employee. I said no. No you cannot borrow my camera. So the live video borrowed a TON of my concepts. Let me tell you in case you do not know. AN IMAGE MAKER HOLDS COPYRIGHT for concepts in the images whether or not someone else paid for the concepts to be executed UNLESS CONTRACTUALLY STATED OTHERWISE. According to the law, she is NOT to replicate my concepts. But she doesn’t see it that way. Once I saw this live video I was livid. I said you cannot use my character. In high school I adapted this stick figure character with one big eye and one little one. I painted it and hung it on my wall and told my little sister that it’s her. It was funny. I also then used it it college for my first business card logo. I then repainted it on a large oil painting. I then used that painting as part of the set design in her video. She took it upon Herself to take that character and put it in her live video, as well as the green tear makeup concept I used for her video, and of course the cellophane. The reason this intellectual property copyright law is important to image makers is so people don’t go adapting our concepts POORLY JUST LIKE THIS on an iPhone. She has no idea the significance of the character I created, nor the right to execute it this poorly. Hahhahha this looks so fucking stupid.
My character in her video I’ve been making since 16:
Her trying to replicate:
This got me really fucking mad. One of the last times I was around Khris we were all talking about stuff and I was showing them something on my computer. I had just gotten a haircut and normally I do little jagged pixie bangs and then I stick my ears out. He told me I look like a cute little elf in front of her. Next thing I know she cuts little pixie bangs bleaches her hair. Colors it bright. Sticks her ear out and posts “elfie”. Ok between that psychotic shit and all the other shit and this live video desecrating my character. I had it. I blew up on them and told them to leave me the fuck alone. They threatened to sue me for defamation if I say anything about them. That is so funny because I’m not an idiot. You can only sue for defamation if someone is spreading lies about you. I have every single fucked up text conversation and email from them. And I can prove how much she stole from me and I can sue her. I can talk all damn day long about the truth. I have chosen not to until now because I only wanted her to stop. I figured if I kept ignoring her she would start stealing from someone else and leave me alone. She hasn’t stopped stealing though. All I have to say is come at me bitch. You won’t win. I am right. I am telling the truth. You’re a thief. You’re fake. Your face is fake. Your body can be bought. Your ideas are not your own. You have violated me intricately. She said every idea in that video belongs to her now because it is branded on her. That isn’t the way intellectual property works doll. I recently had mean shit to say on her youtube channel and she offered to remove the video I directed from the internet at an attempt at silencing me. I told her that isn’t enough. Stop replicating it. Now for some A / B comparisons.
Movements I taught her in my video:
Her video after that same shit, even matches my white on white sike scene perfectly, not that big of a deal right just kinda annoying:
I’m obsessed with school girl imagery so now that’s her whole thing. Here is a screen shot from my video:
A video she made after:
I’m also into chemistry I fucking love it. Screen shots from my video:
Her video after:
I have an obsession with old outdated electronics so here is my concept about old painted phones from the video I did:
A video she did after with an old painted phone:
okay okay that wasn’t close enough, she had to use the concept again in her LATEST video. This time shot for shot.
cellophane shots from my video:
Now it’s cellophane in all the shots years later and every damn week her hair gets closer to my cut and color:
“Alana rip the piece of paper out the book then bite it and spit it out”-me directing her during our shoot:
Her video later, another shot for shot concept replication:
Honestly , I can keep going all day and night. I’ve had this all pent up. I’ve never said it because I thought it would go away. But she won’t stop. So there you have it. Watch my video then all of hers after if you’re curious. I’m not threatened, she does poor execution. Also the concepts hold no meaning to her. They are things I developed over the course of a lifetime. I am just beyond violated. And sick of it. So many of these things could be let slide. But in the details it’s very twisted. It has left me shunning video gigs for years. Don’t be this fucking guy. I mean the video directly after she made one with me copied NONE of my concepts. But it was fucking horrible [they all are after I left bc they are regurgitated] but that one really sucked, so I think she just went back to what I did. I can’t believe some people want so badly just to be looked at with nothing to say. So they take and take and take from others. And will give their bodies for fame. It’s disgusting to see young women pumping their faces full of chemicals fucking guys for songs. But that’s this world huh.
TRUTH TUESDAY// CHAPTER III // MOTHER
Here goes. There is always one thing, a focal point in one's psyche, the thing that one cannot escape. Maybe in your case,,, you don't want to escape. It shaped you. Maybe it was beautiful and warm. Whether or not you like what sculpted you as the person you know, here and today, it's important nonetheless. My focal point is mother. To talk about her, seems like my adam's apple spins like a top and twists the rest of my throat skin off and cuts me off. I've got too much to say, and that's usually when I say too little. Which, believe it or not, is often. I know, I know, I talk a lot. I think more.
My throat. Back to it. Smaller than now. Hands, bony and frail, vibrating with fury, constricting my breathing, pressed up against a wall, head smashed and the sound is louder from inside, spit from yellowed smoker's teeth coming out in drops falling horizontally [parallel to the earth] forced out with the force of a broken scream, I can't understand the words. I feel only the panic. Blood. I'm not bleeding, no, not right now, although a bloody nose or lip is not rare in this double wide. But the panic is big. Blood. Blood. I feel it beating through my skinny chest, pushing through to the tips of my tiny limbs. It is still moving, and faster than ever, but I am still. Frozen. Afraid. She would always choke me. She would throw me against the walls. She would wake me from a sleep if she identified something I had done wrong just to beat me. She would hit me with belts, wooden spoons, and the worst! the absolute worst! wire hangers.
I remember the time she was looking for us and I had my sister hide in a darkened place outside covered in spiders. I heard her yelling with fear. She couldn't find us. I was terrified of the dark but I didn't move. I'd rather be left to the spiders than her. I'd rather be anywhere. Anywhere.
When you're little you don't imagine a bigger horror. You don't know other children have it worse than you. I didn't notice any around me. But I didn't talk to many people. All I kept noticing was how much more poor we were. How ugly my clothes were. I was ashamed. I was ashamed to exist. There I was, somber faced. In elementary school I know I had the face of a child that had seen more than one should. I didn't talk to anyone really. I was essentially mute. I couldn't bare to show myself. I didn't want to be seen or noticed. I had wished that I was invisible. Even with those uncomfortable ways, school was my refuge. I felt so much safer there, safe enough to be in my mind. I feared interaction with the other children. I feared interaction with the teacher. I wanted to listen. I wanted to hear about the math, the science, the English, the art. I absolutely was free within the bounds of a school desk chair. I knew I was safe there. Safe to think. Safe to wonder. Safe to make things up. Safe to create a space I wanted to exist in. Because really, I hated my existence. I know it showed because I was constantly sent to the school psychiatrist which was a horror in itself. They put me in a room with a two way mirror and observed me playing with an older kid. I wouldn't interact. They pried and asked questions. I only remember closing off. It was of no help. My mom didn't seem to think that was significant. The next time after elementary school that I had been in any kind of formal psychiatric treatment was when I left the house at 18. I took that upon myself.
When I was 5 my mother divorced my father. She moved my younger sister and I from LA to Kingman fucking Arizona. This shithole desert town plagued with every drug in the book. Right now I have more followers on Instagram than live in that hell hole. A decade ago, it was exponentially smaller. I remember some things before I moved. A lot of things actually. I don't know how, I was only 5. My dad always tells me the story. He says that when my mom wanted to take us, he signed the paperwork. He told me that. He always spoke to me like a person who should be respected when I was a kid, imagine that, I responded. I understood. He explained he had to sign the paperwork to allow my mother to take me. My response? "Just say no daddy." I guess that probably broke his heart. It broke mine every day. Not the conversation, the leaving. I never wanted to go.
As soon as we got there my mom introduced us to some guy and tried to convince us to start calling him dad. Well, that man became my step dad. He raised me. He was a racist, homophobic, nascar watching, coors light drinking, big rig driving redneck. Most of the time I loved to be around him more than my mom. He loved me and he made jokes. He rhymed a lot. He taught me about Black Sabbath. He was a lot of fun. Sometimes. He gave me health insurance my whole childhood. I would beg for him to spank me instead of my mom as his punishment was fair and dutiful. As I got older he would verbally abuse me unrelentingly but he never took physical punishment too far, although he would influence my younger siblings to attack me. My mom though, was intoxicated by violence. The two of them would punish me. Ground me. Put me down. Brainwash and manipulate me to hate my dad. Call him a drug addict and tell a child about his drug use. I was often not allowed to call him dad in casual conversation I was to call him by his first name. They would call him racist things because he is Mexican. And call me the same sometimes. This is more sick than I can imagine, as I am now an adult. This broke me. They eventually punished us so much for seeing our father in yearly visits that my sister often stopped coming.
My mom's family,,,,,,,,, Well, they had to shape her. Don't get me started on them. I really don't respect many of them. I guarantee they will all find this and read this. That's okay. If I see them I will smile and hug them. Some of them did some good by me but ultimately I cannot face them. There is too much trauma involved, by the sight of any of their faces I feel my identity slip into an abyss of death wishing. Even the good ones remind me of the bad ones. The adults in my family give children drugs. The adults in my family lie. They abuse. They are junkies. Most of them. There are molesters that have never been exposed, which I will not detail. They had every opportunity to rise above, but they wanted drugs more than to protect their children. One of my uncles, meth influenced, took me to the middle of the desert at 10 or so, and lit a barrel on fire, and burned kittens. I watched kittens burned alive. I heard them scream. I heard their flesh popping. I smelled it. My mom let that guy babysit me. So that's me. As I typed this I broke into sobbing and polar jumped up onto my chair and threw his fuzzy little arms around me. I couldn't love someone more. What a beautiful creature he is. Anyway, back to it. This is not easy to write.
I, as a child, was exposed to pure evil.
But I?
I was exposed to good too. I was exposed to such beauty!
My mom always took us to the lake with my step dad. It was some of the most wonderful days of my life. It will always be. They would take us to the mountains. To the snow to sled and build snow men. We saw rivers. We saw the ocean. We saw sunsets. Barbecues. Music. We played in the dirt. We were wild! My mom was always planting things and gardening and collecting every kind of pet you can think of. She always took such interest in the land and all it's creatures. I can't tell you HOW many art kit sets of all kinds she bought us. Everything. Everything you can think of getting a kid so that they can craft things of their own creation. And she would sit at the table and she would guide us. She was very involved with it. She would just cover the table in art materials and dig right in, happily, excited. She always made whatever she was teaching us to make herself. I would look at the thing I made and I would look at the thing she made and I would marvel at her craftsmanship. I was completely impressed. Bewildered. Everything I made looked so raw and janky. Everything she made was just gorgeous with careful lines and detailed to perfection. I thought she was magical.
I think when I was around 7, the age isn't necessarily right but the memory is, she drew this photo of this wolf. I still have it. I couldn't believe it. I just loved it. Somehow that memory flashed into my mind in the middle of a psychotic episode in 2008. I was in college. It was snowy. Bipolar diagnosis was still relatively new. I had been on medication however I wasn't the pro at understanding my illness that I am today, without proper maintenance I can slip into a way I do not recognize. Anyway I was babbling mental jibberish at the police men my sister and boyfriend had called because I kept running into the snow and they had to physically restrain me. That was my second psych ward hospitalization, title 36 they call it in Arizona, 5150 here, but it's just a 72 hour psych hold. Anyway to the cops that picked me up I mumbled as I sobbed,"imaaa wooolfff." I was remembering my mother's drawing I know. After the stay I asked her if she still had it. She went and pulled it out of a closet. My boyfriend made such a hilarious joke of saying "imaaaaaa wolffff" to me all the time after my recovery. I just adored it. I thought it funny. And thus, I am girlwolf.
Back to mother, it's been since before my surgery that I've talked to her. She came to see one of my residency shows with earthsleep at the whisky. She missed my set and was really spun out. So spun out that she offered people meth. She then proceeded to get lost in Los Angeles the entire night, leaving me pathetic voicemails, driving around [WITH A SMART PHONE] lost in Los Angeles. Drugs I guess. But I've had it. Between that and getting my brother who I love endlessly addicted to drugs several years ago... It's hard to talk to her. It's hard to forgive someone for what they are still doing. I had forgiven all she did I thought it could not be worse. But for her to put my baby my love my brother in that position, was a new type of low. I might call her soon. I've planned on it. It's just nicer when you don't.
Here is the thing. With everything that I just said there, I would like to express gratitude toward my mother.
Mom, I love you. I don't think it's your fault. I don't think it is. I've known you long enough to know that I don't think you can help the way you are. I don't know what happened to you. I have somewhat of an idea. If what you told me is true, I am so sorry that happened to you. I am sorry grandma and papa never approved of you in the ways you wanted or acknowledge your pain. You are the one that takes care of them. You nursed grandma till her death when none of your other siblings do shit. You were the only one in your family to go to college. They discouraged you. They ignored you accomplishment. You're clearly the smartest one. I'm sorry they treated you like that. Mom, you're sick. It's not just your body mom, that too. But you're very very mentally ill, more so than me and you did not take proper care of yourself. If your body hurts as much as you express, I understand becoming dependent on those drugs. I don't think you know the difference between a lie and the truth. I don't think you're aware of your inability to grip reality. I'm not blaming you anymore. It's just hard. It's hard for all of us kids to deal with. We feel that when we let you in, you always take us into a nightmare. I'm sorry. But I want you to please look at all four of us. No matter what you did wrong, no matter what you did right, we are all alive and doing really well and it's your fault. It's your fault we are the way we are. And I think we are all amazing. So thank you. Bobby just had a baby girl, he made a person!!!! He has a good job and I am so proud of him. He's funny and he's adorable. Everyone likes the guy. And now his baby girl looks just like him. He's a wonderful dad. I can't believe he's a DAD. Tami is just brilliant. She is a mountaineer, quirky little scientist who cuts minerals into microscope slides and THEN goes and translates that science into art. She helps everyone around her. She is truly curious about others and kind. And Bri! Bri is just annihilating it in school. She's the youngest of us but the most baller. She is busting her ass working at a nursing home. And she is going to be an RN like you mom. Bri is diligent in ways I couldn't dream. She always makes the right choices. Takes like no shit.
And I?
Well I'm me.
And if spent my life working, for mostly free, to express, well what I find to be truth. I do that with all the tools you gave me. You're the crafty one. And quite frankly I'm so obsessed with finding truth because you lied so god damn much and I was a fucking detective all my life hahahhahahahhahahhahahhahaha
But you know what?
Every day, people say I helped them. Every day. And I live to inspire.
So anyone any 4 of us helps, you helped mom. You did a lot of good here.